


You Keep It On The Inside 'Cause That's The Safest Place To Hide

by ZinevichS



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angsty Schmoop, Comfort/Angst, Depressing, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Schmoop, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 02:58:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5611315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZinevichS/pseuds/ZinevichS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TRIGGER WARNINGS</p><p>Reader has depression and she self harms, though, Sam knew about the depression.</p><p>Not the harm.</p><p>Dean doesn't know about either....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pleas, please, please if you will be triggered turn back.
> 
> I wrote this to get my mind away from things.
> 
> I don't want to romanticize any of this because I know these are very serious topics, dealing with them myself.  
> But on my aspect, I like to write these for to make me feel better, take my mind off of it and I hope it makes you guys feel better too.

You were quietly reading a book on the living room couch, snuggled up with pj's and a blanket.

Sam came walking in, "Hey Y/N."

He sat next to you. So he wanted to talk then. You sat your book aside.

"Hello Sammy."

Sam gave you a look and groaned, "Don't call me that. It's bad enough Dean does."

The corner of your mouth lifted, "Sorry Sammy. Whatcha want though?"

He gave you a serious look, "I've been thinking... I think maybe you should tell Dean..."

You looked at him, "Tell him wha-" He gave you a look, "... No Sam. I can't. No way."

You stood up, taking your book, "Come on Y/N. I know Dean wont be mad or make fun of you or anything. You're his girlfriend, he cares about you. He should know, he can help you."

You shook your head, whispering, "I can't Sammy... Too much is at risk. I can't lose him to that. I told you because you're my best friend, but I can't lose him if he decides I'm a freak or something. Not him."

You walked away from Sam, leaving him staring sadly after you.

You went to your room, pulling your phone out to text Dean, who was out getting groceries.

_'Hey babe. when you get back, I'll probably be sleeping. Wake me up for dinner though.'_

Dean's reply was immediate, _'You okay?  You've been sleeping a lot lately.'_

You smile at his worry, _'I'm okay, just tired.'_

You got to your room and immediately got in your bed, under the covers. You wanted to get to sleep as fast as possible.

~~~~~~~~~

Dean walked inside with bags of groceries in his hands, he saw Sam sitting on the couch with a serious face on.

"You think any harder your brain will defuse. Wanna get your ass up here and help with the bags?"

Sam snapped out of his thoughts and walked over to the stairs, taking bags from Dean.

"What were you thinking so hard about anyway?"

"Uh nothing. Doesn't matter."

Dean gave a skeptic eye, "You sure there, you looked pretty intense."

Sam nodded, "Ya. Positive..."

"Well I'm making something simple for dinner. I don't feel like cooking. So spaghetti it is."

Sam just nodded.

~~~~~~~~

Dean walked into your shared bedroom, you were curled up in the blankets.

He bent down next to your face and kissed you, "Time to wake up sweetheart. Dinner's ready."

When you opened your eyes, bright green eyes stared at you. You gave a smile at him and sat up, stretching.

Dean stood up and held a hand out to you, you took it.

When you both got to the kitchen Sam had looked straight at you.

He looked down at your body, getting an annoyed face with your heavy clothing.

You and Dean had gotten your food and sat at the table, Sam across from the two of you.

Dean was so engrossed in eating he didn't notice Sam. Though, you did, he didn't stop giving you a hard stare. He wanted you to tell Dean, you shook your head.

~~~~~~~

After dinner Dean had suggested about all watching a movie, though you didn't really want too, but you agreed.

After one movie you had decided to go to bed.

"I'm gonna go to sleep," You got up from where you rested against Dean, giving him a kiss goodnight.

"Goodnight. Goodnight Sam." You gave the brothers a smile and they watched you leave.

~~~~~~~~~

You had to get out of there. You could feel the sadness creeping in.

The urge.

You knew you'd have time. Dean was talking about staying up a little later and he wouldn't come in and disturb your sleep.

So you had time.

You had tried. You tried to be happy. Today was just one of those days though, where you didn't want to do anything. Just lay in bed, feeling numb, or crying. The hurt, the pain, it was constricting you. You couldn't fight it.

You walked to your old room, before you moved into Deans, and went to under the bed, grabbing a small box.

You took it back to the room you shared with Dean and opened it.

Inside there was a packet of razors and medical supplies. You always cleaned it up.

Changing into shorts and a t-shirt, you got a look at your collection.

Dean had been very nice about waiting to have sex and for that you were grateful. You knew once he saw all the horrible scars that he wouldn't want you after. No one does.

You sat on the edge of the bed and put the razor to your thigh.

"I know you want to sleep but I need to get so-"

You froze.

_No_

He isn't there. He isn't there.

You turned to the door and there he was.

Dean. He was frozen to where he was in the doorway, hand on the knob.

His voice was a whisper, "What the fuck are you doing?"

You stammered, you didn't know what to say...

Dean walked up to you, slapping the razor from your grip, "Why the fuck would you do this!?"

Tears streamed down your face. He wasn't supposed to find out, now he'll leave. Just like everyone.

Dean grabbed your thighs, spreading them. You hadn't even known you closed them to try to conceal it.

He looked at your thighs, "Why?! What in the hell made you think that this is okay??"

Loud footsteps were heard and you turned to look at who you knew was Sam.

Sam's face was of surprise, "Dean..."  
  
Dean turned to Sam, "Sam. Look at what the fuck she's doing!"

Your silence broke but your words were to Sam.

"I told you he wouldn't understand! That he'd be disgusted! It's why I didn't want to tell him! I can't lose him and now I will!"

You shoved at Dean, making him lose his balance where he was squatted and fall flat on his ass.

You stood up and ran for the door but Sam blocked and you slammed your fists on his chest.

"Let me go Sam! Let me go!"

Sam wound his arms around you, holding you in his embrace. You sobbed in his chest, though it wasn't the one you wanted.

"You knew!? And you didn't fucking tell me!"

Sam's chest rumbled when he replied, "It wasn't my place to tell _Dean_. Get the fuck over here and take care of her. You're the boyfriend, care for her!"

You heard shuffling and you felt hands on your shoulders, easing you away from Sam's body.

"C'mon sweetheart." Dean's voice was softer, gentler now and he pulled you to him gently, wrapping you in his embrace.

"You can leave Sam. I got this."

You supposed Sam left. You and Dean still stood in the middle of the room, embracing.

You sobbed into Dean's neck, his warmth swallowing you whole.

Dean rubbed a hand up your back, face in your hair.

"Baby girl, calm down."

You couldn't. How could you? When this was over Dean wouldn't want you. Why would he?

"You are the most beautiful person I've ever had the chance of meeting, inside and out. I'm so lucky to be able to call you mine. How could I not want you?"

You hadn't realized you said that out loud.

Dean kissed your head, "You're so brave. You try to save everyone else when you're living with this silent hell inside. I'm sorry I yelled. I was so scared. Y-You shouldn't do this to yourself, you're so beautiful. I couldn't believe that you would do something like that. I didn't want to believe. I'm angry at myself that I never saw the signs, that you had to suffer alone. You never have to suffer alone baby girl, not anymore. You only have one life. One precious life. And this world only has one you. One precious person. You. Don't ruin this chance. You think you can't take it. But you can. Don't quit now. Don't quit on this world. Don't quit on me. But most importantly, don't quit on yourself. You have so much to offer this world. I want to see you shine beautiful."

You sniffled, "I-I'm sorry. It just gets so bad, some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I wanted to tell you, so badly. I can't lose you though. You're one of the best things that happened to me."

"Tell me when it is bad. We can stay in bed and sleep all day. Only getting out for food and the bathroom. You aren't going to lose me baby doll. I-I... I love you. So much. Now don't make me lose you."

You looked up at Dean. He just said 'I love you'. You guy's hadn't said that yet, but he just did.

Dean looked down at you, "I love you Y/N. For awhile I had wanted to say that. Don't take this away from me."

He gave you a light peck. When you were okay enough to be let go he walked over to where your box was.

He grabbed the razors and took your hand, leading you to a bathroom.

Holding the razors out to you in front of the toilet, "Throw them away. Do it for yourself Y/N."

You took the razors and looked down at it. You wanted too but...

"I'll be here for when you feel low. You don't need those by your side anymore. They only cause grief and pain, you don't need that in your life. Make the better choice for _yourself_."

You opened the bag of razors and dumped them, flushing the toilet.

You turned and hugged Dean, watching what had tortured you for years go down the drain.

Dean kissed your head, "I'm so proud of you."


	2. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I left it off at a weird time. 
> 
> So I made this chapter to resolve it.

Dean was talking with Sam. You were taking a nap, today was exhausting.

"You knew about her and you didn't tell me?"

Sam sighed, "I knew about her depression, not the harm."

"Wait so she has depression? Like she was diagnosed and everything?"

Sam nodded, "She told me she was diagnosed when she was little, about 7. She has pills for it But she doesn't like taking them, doesn't want to become addicted. Like I said before I didn't tell you because it's not my place, she bagged me not too. You saw how she reacted when you found out. She was scared you would break up with her, as she put it you make her happy."

Dean nodded and sighed, raking his hand through his hair.

"Y-You're not going to leave her cuz of this right Dean? I was sure you'd be fine with this and you'd help her through it. I don't want to be wrong."

"No! I'm not breaking up with her. I love her Sammy. I'm just- She's such a wonderful person and she doesn't deserve to live with this illness."

Sam nodded, "Ya but all we can do is just help her through it."

"Guy's..." Your voice was small and the brothers heads snapped towards your voice.

Dean smiled, "Hey baby. Sleep well?"

You walked over to the table the brothers were sitting at and sat next to Dean, "I slept good. What's up with you guys?"

"Just talking." Dean gave you a kiss on your head.

You nodded, you look to Sam then to Dean and back, "So..."

Sam stopped you, "We're still going to treat you the Sam Y/N. You don't have to be awkward around us. But now you just come to me or Dean when you feel low." Sam gave you a smile.

Your face lit up, "Okay good. I didn't want anything to change with us."

Dean kissed you, "Nothing will. Though, I am ready to take our relationship up to the next level if you are." Dean wiggled his eyebrows, Sam scoffed.

You laughed, "Okay Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and stay safe loves.

**Author's Note:**

> Please. 
> 
> Help is available.
> 
> Stay safe, speak out.
> 
> knowresolve.org
> 
> Hotline:1-800-273-8255  
> free * confidential * available 24/7


End file.
